The Quest for Self Knowledge

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?” ~Rabbi Hillel

I remember the first time I ever heard these three questions. It was seconds before the bell at my Hebrew school and the rabbi was standing up in front of our class giving us a lecture on life or something along those lines. He had all but lost the attention of the class when he jumped up on the desk and repeated these words at the top of his voice. Just as he finished, the bell rang and began to file out of the classroom half of us in awe the rest confused. Over the ruckus of our parents who were all clamoring at the door, he bellowed, think about what I have just said and tell me how to answer these questions. I spent the entire ride home looking rather perplexed as I went over these questions in my mind. My contemplation continued into the next day and then into the next. These were not easy short answer questions on a test but rather questions that brought forth even more questions.

My realization came several weeks later when we rehashed this subject in class. My rabbi would not help us answer these questions but added a new statement to the mix. “Know thyself.” This of course I knew was said by the Greek philosopher Socrates but the history of who said it did not help answer my quandary. There was an obvious link between the two though. Just like that, the answer became clear to me, the three questions Rabbi Hillel asked were the keys to knowing oneself. A balance of these three questions was what made up the character of a person. For someone to truly know themselves, they would know how much they needed to be for themselves, how much they needed to be for others, and when exactly they would need to be there for either. Also, knowing oneself is the ability to know what motivates us to do for ourselves and others as well as knowing how and when we will respond.

Knowing oneself is the ability of a person to never lose sight of who he or she really is. Why exactly is this important though? Well, if we do not know how we will ever react in life, then we go through life blindly; making decisions that while they may have an affect on us, will end up meaning nothing when we look back on them. Therefore, life becomes meaningless. Now while that seems dark and gloomy it is the truth. If every human being on the face of this earth went through life with no meaning or purpose nothing would ever get accomplished. No one would have any drive because no one would have any reason to do so. Knowing oneself is knowing what we as an individual want to get out of the enigma of life. However, knowing oneself goes a step further than that, if a person never truly learns who they are, they can never learn what they are capable of doing, they can never know what makes them an individual and furthermore how they can make a difference. Knowing oneself is knowing that you as an individual are capable of greatness.

Knowing oneself is also the ability of seeing into the depths of your soul and seeing what your strengths and weaknesses are (pretty cool huh?). In my soul searching, I have found that I have many faults and while at first this disturbed me I have come to the conclusion that everybody does. These faults are what make us human what separate us from G-d. I feel that our goal in life is to overcome these faults and thus become closer to G-d. Ironically, my desire to be perfect is my greatest downfall. What I mean to say is I am a perfectionist. This encompasses many parts of my character. For instance, I find that in my life I try so hard to win over all my colleagues. Now, while this doesn’t sound like a bad thing, seeing that every man should try to be kind to another, my perfectionism takes it a step farther. Sometimes I try to hard and sometimes I have realized I am simply not capable of winning over another for whatever reason that maybe. I become overly distraught when this occurs and push more and more. Number one, this is unhealthy, both for me and the person I am trying to befriend. If someone doesn’t like you, sometimes no matter what you do cannot change that. Even though I know this, it has become my hamartia. Another example of how my perfection is my greatest weakness is something I wrote about in the blog before this one. The entire blog pertained to how I tend to micromanage. I do this constantly and while I am only trying to help or simply better a situation, micromanaging can become irritating to those you are working with. Finally, perfectionism is my greatest fault because it takes time away from other work that needs to be accomplished. For example, I am writing this blog several days in advance and on Monday night when this is due I will probably be up till midnight checking it over. This obsession leaves me stressed and often times very tired (since I am up till who knows when going over my homework). All in all, my obsession with perfection seems to make me less perfect.

It was so easy to rattle off what my biggest fault was, but identifying my greatest strength is actually quite a bit more difficult. I think however, that my ability to see my faults and really look into myself may in fact be my greatest strength. I have been told on numerous occasions that I have an incredible sense of self. I am constantly looking for the greater meaning of things such as life and other enigmas and applying them directly to myself. It is my ability to look deep inside myself that has taught me how to look inside others and not simply judge a book by its cover. This ability allows me to simply listen, take everything in someone else is telling me and then give an honest and heartfelt response. It is my ability to know what I would do in a certain situation that allows me to help others. My ability of knowing myself also allows me to know what I want to do in life and has helped me understand that whatever career path I choose I want to make sure that at the end of the day, I have helped someone else.

Now looking back on what I have just written and seeing what time it is, I can tell you I spent a total of six hours on this blog. The truth is, I may not have even touched the surface. Writing about my faults was simple, because that is just the type of person I am. I dwell on my mistakes and give little credit to my accomplishments. This I think is due to the fact that most people are inherently modest. We don’t go out every day looking to toot our own horns. For me this is especially true, because I’d rather be the person in the background making millions of people happy rather than the person on the front lines who isn’t really making anyone happy at all. However for people on the other side of the spectrum, sometimes identifying ones faults is the hardest. Looking back on ones mistakes can be painful at times and possibly even frightening. It is human nature to shy away from fear and pain rather than to dive right into it. However, whether it is fear of self confrontation or fear of the limelight, knowing oneself proves to be incredibly difficult. At the end of the day though, when I look in the mirror, I want to see the real me and be happy with what I have accomplished.